Hoisted By My Own Petard

I actually said that while playing Halo 3 the other day. Shouted it out at the top of my lungs. It was apt, so I'll forgive myself. I am a nerd. Therefore I enjoy the company of other nerds, and prefer nerds to spend time with. This does not fit in with my image, however, as I can revert back to the oh-no-you-didn't black woman that people seem so afraid of nowadays. It's like, I want to hang out playing dungeons and dragons, and, you know, playing with my Boba and Jango Fett figurines all day, but by the time people have gotten over the fact that I'm a black woman, I've already become bored and gone home. This is really why my friends think that I should have been born a skinny white guy. I agree with them sometimes. It's often hard for me to reconcile the two parts of me. I mean, I'm black, that's a thing, and for me, it's something that I think about every day. Not like a conscious, "Oh Lawds, what is I's gwan do?" but a more introspective thing. I go to an HBCU and I totally love it here, but there's tons of people who act a certain way, a way that I don't, and I'm forced to think: Well, if alot of people act this way, should I? Of course, I immediately dismiss it, cause I'm awesome, and people wish they could live my life, but still. It's there at the back of my mind. And the whole 'being a female thing', well let's just say that it factors into my life. How could it not? I haven't always acted like a 'proper lady' whatever that means. I've always been into video games, computers, and other 'unladylike' activities. I've always been of the 'anything you can do, I can do better' mindset and this has left me with a somewhat tomboyish reputation. This has forced me to fit in the guys, who treat me more like one of them, and I'm even more outside of where I think I want to be than ever. I don't mind hanging out with guys, and talking with them with no ulterior motives, but I'm not a lesbian and hope to (gasp) date and maybe even marry a guy! So this can't go on forever. Anyway, I work hard to be perceived a certain way, and then when it blows up in my face, I guess I have no one to blame for myself. But for the greater 'injustices' I feel have been subject to, I blame society. I mean, why is it because of the way I look I have to feel excluded whenever I walk into a gaming shop, a LAN party or (heaven forbid) a music store? I've been playing the guitar since I was 17, but when I walked into one music store a couple years ago, I felt like I'd just picked it up. I was looking to buy a slide for my electric guitar, and first I was ignored by the clerk, and then talked to like I was an noob. That's not the only thing. the very guys I'm attracted to, nerds with glasses, a penchant for tabletop RPG's, and a WoW addiction that can only be surpassed by their need to surf the Internet, are the very people who shy away from me. I dunno if it's because they've seen Soul Plane too many times, or what, but I would at least like for people to get to know me before they start acting all skittish. I mean, I can turn the sassy black lady off, and I do actually. It usually only comes on if I'm trying to get a waiter to pay attention to me, or if somebody hassles one of my friends. Otherwise, I'm a perfectly awkward geek, with the same hangups and needs as everyone else. My only hope is to wait until I graduate, and try to make some connections in Charlotte. Their community is big enough that I can sneak in under the radar and up to a table when the DM isn't looking. Meanwhile, I guess I'll have to hang tough, and keep searching the 'Nets for somebody who truly understands.

* Sorry for all the '' and "", I was feeling real 'quoty' today
**Yes it's 5:30 in the morning, I took a nap and now my sleep schedule's all messed up
***I want a nicer camera, but I feel like I'm going to have to save up for it all on my lonesome
****I kinda want to stalk this guy, but he's A) Too young for me and B) I'm trying not to stalk anybody this month.