These Easter Pants are Getting Way Too Tight!

I know I've spent an almost inordinate amount of time talking about the classic 80's movie, 'Big Trouble in Little China', but I just recently bought it again, and it got me thinking about why this movie is so mother truckin' great. I mean, it's not every day that a film holds up as well as this movie has. A lot of people can't appreciate it. They think it's not good. But as an inspiration of mine once said, "Gigli. Howard the Duck. Battlefield Earth. These are part of the long list of films we all love to hate. The worst of the worst. There's one more flick that often gets snuggled into this pantheon that doesn't deserve to be there." And that movie my friends is Big Trouble in Little China. And I'm going to break it down for you. More on Howard the Duck later (Was it really such a bad movie?) So here's my top ten list to why Big Trouble in Little China is such an awesome movie.

1. Jack Burton
Okay, I know what you're thinking, who's Jack Burton? Well, obviously if you've seen the movie then you know who it is. Jack is our wiley protagonist, and a man who often refers to himself in the third person, confusing all those around him. This movie was built around him because Kurt Russell played him perfectly. A tough talking (long winded) guy who took himself less than seriously. And that's what we were supposed to do with this movie. He perfectly embodied the spirit of the film, and his one liners made you laugh, even when you weren't supposed to.

2. David Lo Pan
Okay, okay, yeah, two characters in a row. Nothing about plot points, nothing about dialogue. Just two people. Okay, yeah, I'll give you that. But Lo Pan was such a bad-a villain that you can't help but like him. He's all grossed out when he's the old man, then he's all pimped out when he's powered up. I mean, did you see that crack nail? The man just shows that, yeah, it is hard out here for a pimp. But the ones that know what they're doing, can get away with it for a while.

3. The Dialogue
I realize that I'm not being very specific here. But this entire movie is a send-up to the one liner. Between Gracie and Jacks banter, to Jack's snappy comebacks, this movie is filled with quotable lines:

"Like I told my last wife, I said, "Honey, I never drive faster than I can see, and besides... it's all in the reflexes."

"Everybody relax, I'm here."

"Ok, you people! Sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president."

"When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail."

Wang Chi: Jack, listen, I need more of your help. I can't pay you today, OK?
Jack: Oh shit.
Wang: How can I? I need all my cash for Miao Yin.
Eddie: And it's gonna cost. She's got green eyes.
Gracie: Oh no, seriously? Oh, that's an extra to these people. It's like leather bucket seats, it's double the price.

4. It was directed by John Carpenter.
It was 1986. John Carpenter was riding high. I mean, Escape from New York, the Thing, Halloween. He was riding high as the Scream King of horror cinema. And he still had plenty left in him. He hadn't even made 'They Live' yet, so he was rolling high. And he takes off time from this horror streak and makes a comedy-action movie with some supernatural stuff thrown in. I mean, what is he trying to tell us? That this movie might have been worth his time, so maybe it's worth a little of ours.

5. The characters.
Egg Shen was that little guy from the Golden Child (another movie I recommend highly), who stole Eddie Murphy's 100 dollars. And now he's back, trading jabs with Jack Burton. You've got Egg Shen, Wang Chi, Miao Yin, Rayden (apparently), and my favorite of all: Gracie Law. They're mostly overdrawn Chinese stereotypes, with very little back story or motivation, but you don't have to know much about these people to like them. You see them struggling with the forces of evil, and you jump right in.

6. Gracie Law.
Gracie Law was played by Kim Cattrall, and I never got this. I mean, shes obviously white. Is she supposed to be asian? Her last name is Law. On the other hand, she's a reporter working in China Town. And what to make of Margo for that matter? Actually this really isn't a point as a query. Does anybody really know what's going on with her?

7. The effects.
They were sooo cheesy 80's that it really does take your mind back to a simpler time. When green screens didn't exist, and if you wanted someone to jump onto a roof you had to film them jumping off the roof backwards. Also, did I mention that Rayden was in it for some reason? You haven't seen cheesy 80's effects, until you've seen Thunder, Rain, and Lightening in action.

8. The action.
Speaking of being in action, the fight scenes in this movie were not too shabby. Of course, it had the veritable array of easily knocked out henchmen. But there were also henchwomen with all types of nasty toys. And there's nothing like seeing Kurt Russell punch an asian woman in the face to end your day right.

9. It doesn't take itself too seriously.
This is a movie that knows it's not winning any Oscars. It's a movie that understands that it's just going to be some summer blockbuster, and there aren't going to be any accolades or anything. And that's what it gives to the audience. It's tongue in cheek, but not too tongue in cheek. It's over the top, but not too over the top. You can scoff at Lo Pan taking Gracie away, but in a small corner of your heart, you're wondering if she's going to make it out okay. This is that movie. A movie that understands what's going on, and lets you in on the joke.

10. Four Words: The Pork Chop Express

So, yeah, look on Netflix, and put this galdurn movie in your queue. Or if you're, God forbid, still using Blockbuster, rent it, you will not be sorry. And at the very least it can transport you back to a simpler time. A time when ancient sorcerers terrorized China town in San Fransisco. A time I like to call, the 80's.