Was Shakespeare Gay?

The short answer: um, FLAMING. I've just finished reading a fair chunk of his sonnets, and if the dude wasn't the most prancingest fairy this side of gay town, he was the gayest bisexual since gay came to Ilikeanalsexberg. So, scholars have been arguing about this for years, right? If you don't know, just take my word for it that they've been arguing about it for years. Decades, even. Which they have. But it only took me about twenty seconds and three sonnets to make that same discovery. Oh my! Wow! Shakespeare was into dudes! Who cares? I mean, here we have some of the greatest dramas of all time, and people are worried whether or not he liked to pet the trouser snake? Let's not lose focus people! It's those same people who are soooo worried about who wrote the plays. Isn't just enough that they're pretty awesome, and people read them all over the world? Why does it have to be the Duke of Glouchester or whatever? The plays say Shakespeare, so let's just say Shakespeare. Anyway, so back to him being gay, he totally likes to play the rusty trombone. Take a look that this pretty flaming piece of poetry:

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair some time declines,
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

And just remember; this was written about another dude. I'm sure you totally thought it was about a woman, but it's not. Not even a little. It's about a supple youth. Boy youth, just in case you were wondering. So, just trust me, this was about as gay as you can be without having a vagina. Take a look at this little piece of sparkly prose (and by sparkly, I mean gay):

A woman's face with nature's own hand painted,
Hast thou, the master mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion:
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue all hues in his controlling,
Which steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

He actually he wishes that the dude was a girl! "Master mistress"? "A man.. [who]..steals men's eyes"? I mean, what? All this scholarly discussion and people are still wondering if this guy was a flamer? Why are people retarded? He totally is! I mean, at first (in the first couple of sonnets) he's all like, yeah, be a good husband and father, and find a good wife, but then he's all like, I want to have your sex, young man. Which if that doesn't raise any rainbow flags for you, your gaydar is so hopelessly broken, you'll walk in the GLAAD awards and try to strike up a conversation about football. (Ooooh, glaring homosexual man generality, my bizzle). Anyway, this post was in no way meant to be disparaging to homosexuals. It's just that if Shakespeare was one (which he totally was, or at least bisexual), people need to stop being stupid and just accept it already.