My Forbidden Kingdom Review and Why This Movie Should Have Starred Me

This is slightly old. I started it on April 19th, and am just finishing it now. Does that say something about me? Maybe. Meanwhile, I'm constructing an Iron Man review which is probably pretty old (sometimes), which I will post in the near future. Or past. Or something. Anyway:

So, I saw the Forbidden Kingdom last night, my birthday (look for the DixieChicksaversary post later), and I am here to offer up my experience so that all of you can share in my joy, or heartbreak, as the case may be. Anyway, the first thing I noticed to my chagrin, or happiness (I can't figure out which one) was that the theater was almost empty. I mean, what is wrong with you people?!?!?! The on-screen pairing of Jackie Chan and Jet Li?!?!?! The thing we've been waiting for for decades?!?!?! And you stupid Americans can't ever stop drinking your Big Gulps and sitting in your Lazy Boys to go out and see it, huh? Well, I'm telling you, you don't know what you're missing. Okay, granted, I've been excited about this movie since I heard about it maybe three or four years ago, but I was still ready to make a true, honest and completely representative review. I just want to start out by saying that THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A MODERN DAY WHITE KID FROM CHICAGO OR SOMETHING, WHO LIKES MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES. Didn't know that did you? Watched the trailer a hundred times and didn't see one person resembling a white person did you? Well, we were all too busy focusing on the awesomeness of Jackie Chan and Jet Li to see this little white kid, poking his head out from behind a pillar or something, generally sucking all the air out of, um, I dunno, life. It's basically Agent Cody Banks. If Cody Banks had been sent back in time instead of a spy, and Agent Cody Banks had also starred Jet Li and Jackie Chan. And you're thinking, who cares? I mean, it's still has Jet Li and Jackie Chan in it right? Yes. And they're kicking butt, right? Yes. So, what's the problem? There's no problem. I had no problem with the fact that little Ralph Macchio decided to get sent back in time and kick some evil butt. I just wished I had known. I would have gone to see the movie anyway, but to actually think you're in the wrong movie for a couple of minutes, and the Jet Li fight you just saw was a preview that they incorrectly tacked onto the front of another movie, well, that's a harsh reality to deal with. I don't mean that this movie was worse with him in it. Okay, maybe I do, I dunno about all that right now, but I do know that I did not know that he was going to be in it. So, that's the first hurdle you have to cross right there. So, basically the plot is that Agent Cody Banks gets sent back in time to deliver a magical staff to the Monkey King who has been frozen into stone, blah-dy, blah. But you don't care about all that, do you? No, you want to know about the fights. Well, there are a bunch of great fights, focusing on the two lead actors main strengths. Chan has a nice prop filled fight in a tavern, in which he even uses Agent Cody Banks as a human torpedo. Li has a nice fight early on where he kicks some bad guys off of a mountain. They're characters seem to fit as well. Chan is this wise cracking drunk guy, while Li is a serious, monk. I dunno if they're like this in real life, but these are the characters they consistently seem to be playing on screen so you feel at home with it. Finally there's the big fight scene between Jet and Jackie, which, I don't have to tell you, is pretty awesome. In a scene befitting these two giants of Chinese action cinema, very little wire work is used. It is (for the most part) a down and dirty, fist to face, bare knuckles kind of brawl, and it lasts just long enough to leave you out of breath, but begging for more. First Jackie has the upper hand, then Jet, then Jackie, then Jet, then Jet again, then Jet some more. Nevertheless, they fight and it's awesome, and then it's over and they're friends. Now look. This isn't Citizen Kane, alright? There's an ending you see coming from a mile away, and it's not a cinematic masterpiece, okay? But it was good. Pretty good. And if you're just going to see it for Jackie Chan and Jet Li, then all that other stuff doesn't matter, does it? And if you're like me, and have spent the greater part of your formative years watching kung fu movies that your grandad brought to the house and let you watch even though you were clearly too young to be watching some of those movies, and have subsequently become hooked on that very type of movie, then you won't care. I mean, I watched a movie where a princess married a monkey for crying out loud! (This movie was not predictable) Just go see this movie. It's going to be awesome, and you're going to love it, trust.